


Only a Non-Newtonian Thing

by Kameiko



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 18:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21040547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kameiko/pseuds/Kameiko
Summary: You did it, Newton! You DID IT!





	Only a Non-Newtonian Thing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tiika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiika/gifts).

_What kind of joke is this? No, really, what KIND of JOKE is this? The apocalypse is over. Why am I still receiving packages of things I wish to no longer understand? _Newton refuses to cross the threshold of his house to pick up some kind of, get this, a _baby’s_ _car seat _that’s parked a merely two feet in front of him. He sips his sweetened coffee, hand leaning against the open doorway, fingernails tapping away at the frame. He’s debating in his head if he should just wake up Anathema to handle this situation. He’s not capable or equipped to handle such delicate tiny people.

_We burned the new prophecies together. The old ones have been used up. Fate shouldn’t be allowed to play unfortunate tricks on us like this, unless…Anathema has something to tell me, and wanted me to find out in the oddest and twisted way possible? Here I am just growing used to lying around the house doing nothing. Now the stork or someone higher up thinks they’re trying to be funny. _Unknown to Newton, someone or something is trying to be funny. Newton checks the skies to see if another bizarre tornado or if a prophecy decided to show its head, a random hurricane would appear overhead. None of these things come. The sky in their unusual part of town is clear as day, so the weather and theological beings couldn’t be behind this?

_Doubt that demon can get within two feet of the lawn much less two feet on the walking steps. Is it the kids? Adam is still learning how to deal with his powers. Maybe he conjured up an empty seat, and I am just seeing what my eyes want to see? _Then the unthinkable happens. Whatever’s inside of it starts crying, and it’s not one’s typical cry of help or needing to be fed. No, this one sounds almost like there’s a certain type of coded makeup in a game.

_What’s his face playing a trick on me? There’s no way that snake-eye creature would leave something this cruel. I thought we were all passed these shadows and shades of disappointments? Maybe I should wake up Anathema after all…or…I could show her that I am no longer afraid of my own haunted shadow. Making her and myself proud. Maybe a few others back at home too. _The crying continues to get louder. Their neighbor steps over to their window to see what all the ruckus is about at this time of the day. Asking if the neighborhood kids are causing all sorts of trouble again. Newton apologizes to the grumpy old man. No need for drama here. Then another opens their door from across the across asking why there’s a demon possessed baby in the middle of their neighborhood. Newton doesn’t know how to answer that one. He’s even unsure if this thing is human.

_I need to do something before we all play musical doors and windows. Everyone seems to be opening and closing their panels like a blasted cuckoo-cuckoo clocks nest. _One of the neighbors from three blocks down grew tired of all the screaming that’s echoing throughout the quiet neighborhood and makes their way to Newton’s current residence to give them a piece of their mind. Newton stands there and takes it, wondering why the person never bothered to look inside the seat to see if there’s a possibility that there’s just nothing but a fart machine there, or the fact that the person isn’t even making a comment about child neglect is a surprise in itself. Maybe he can use Crowley’s trickery against him? Or this is Crowley in disguise! Newton crosses his arms and stands his ground against his neighbor. No tricks will get him today! WACK!

_Ok, so this isn’t Crowley’s doing. Note to self: don’t automatically accuse random people on the streets that they’re demons. They don’t take too kindly to those temperamental sentences. _Or the fact that when they leave and look inside Newton’s newly found supposed offspring…they threaten to call the company that makes these things to get their vocal cords ripped out? Who says that about a baby?! Worse part is? Anathema has arisen! She’s come to the door in her robe asking what the Hell all that racket is. Newton explains to her that he’s too afraid to go see if there’s a real baby on the doorstep or if this is some sinister vocal improv.

_Why am I doing this to myself? To the neighbors? I just want to have some delicious coffee and go back to bed. Oh, I need some encouragement here or a kick in the butt to get off this stoop to go see what violent attack awaits me! …or I just go back inside and get that-OW! _Newton turns to see that Anathema has kicked him off the stoop. Now he has to go check on this…whatever thing! Newton rubs his behind. Time to start the walk of shame he guesses. Get this over with and then go cuddle a mug of hot coffee with just the right amount of sugar and cream.

_She’s complaining about an abundance of cops that are on their way right now to do a CPS checkup. Is this a prediction or sarcasm? A little bit of both? Oh, God! I am too young for jail! I can’t even explain-OW! Stop kicking me in the butt, woman! I’ll check on it!...She!...He! I don’t know! Snake baby? Maybe? _He just wants his coffee. That’s all he’s asking the universe. He dodges the next kick and the next one till his girlfriend forces him in front of the seat with her kicking marching band stick going on! Not once did she spill her coffee. She truly is a keeper for her unlimited talent in the many fields! Take note people!

_I swear I will kick this thing out of this world if this is anything creepy! Wait, just take a deep breath, Newton. Nothing in this world can hurt me. Why am I worried so much? Nothing in this world can hurt me with the power of-OW! Stop kicking my-OH! My neighbor through a bon-bon at me! They’re shaking their fists out their window, threatening me with a good time and possible cavities. I should really check on this…machine? _The thing indeed in question is a laptop with a very loud and enhanced…enchanted…volume button. Most probably the work of the suspected snake. He takes a deep breath and presses the button on the keyboard that turns down the volume. The volume is muted.

_Why did everyone grow silent all of a sudden? Things are too quiet…quiet…no…Michael Bay explosions or bald eagles roaring above this time in the aftermath. No one’s throwing rocks at me telling me that I am being loud. Everyone’s mouth is gaped open…why are people coming out of their houses and whispering oddities? Why is my girlfriend freaking out? Why are people pointing at the sky where a sunray of Heaven is shining down on this very carriage? No miracle has been performed today! None that I know of. _Anathema grabs Newton by his hands and starts twirling him around. She’s chanting about how happy she is that on this very day, that’ll be marked on the calendar, mind you, that Newton didn’t make an electronic blow up by touch.

_Oh my Jesus, she’s right! I didn’t make the laptop explode! No wonder I saw the clouds part for me! This is a miracle! I dance in delight with her! I feel dizzy. I should stop, but I don’t want to stop! I want to keep dancing and touching the laptop! Hallelujah! Thank you external crisis for leaving me! Ow! A grain of rice just rained on my head! I look to the side to see a neighbor humming something about “congratulations!”. What does that even mean??? Oh well! I pull my hands free from our dancing and start pressing buttons all over the laptop. _Newton is free to explore and browse all the internet in its eternal glory! Being able to press all those keys! Open a web page! Open up a word document to start his journey! All is right in the world! He pulls the laptop out of the seat and sees that something else is underneath it. Wonder what it could be? Anathema peeks inside and squeals in delight. The item is a large bag on coffee beans with a logo that Newton doesn’t recognize. A black bag that has no name on it with a white transparent logo that represents a wing and a snake head with its tongue sticking out wrapped around it. Anathema picks it up anyways. Always a sucker for the coffee, everyone is or the fact that even these two deserve to be happy for the rest of their lives.


End file.
